


Prayers

by Laramie



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Bondage, Dom/sub, Internalized Homophobia, Light BDSM, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-08-27 08:04:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laramie/pseuds/Laramie
Summary: Jimmy doesn't pray as often as perhaps he should.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was thinking about how I, as an atheist, tend to forget or ignore my characters' religious feelings, so I wanted to explore it a bit. It's a bit of a weird mix of moods but hopefully it works.

 Jimmy didn't pray as often as perhaps he should. His mother would have called him an "asker": someone who only turned to God when they wanted something, without showing gratitude the rest of the time. But Jimmy reasoned that an omnipotent, omnipresent God who created the entire universe could probably manage without having his ego stroked by him, Jimmy Kent. God should be able to look down and _see_ the young Jimmy gadding about the fields, or happily tucking into his lunch, and know that he appreciated it.

Yes, even as a five-year-old, Jimmy had been  _ that sort of kid. _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Albert took my toy train yesterday. Please make him give it back, I want it! _

_ Amen _

 

The next day, he gave Albert a thump and the child surrendered the train, so in a way, it had worked.

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Please make mum make suet pudding tomorrow. _

_ Amen _

 

That one had worked too, actually.

The requests had changed form as he got older, of course.

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Please keep dad safe in the trenches. _

_ Please let him come home. _

_ Please keep my dad safe. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Please let Annie Cartwright kiss me back today. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Please keep my dad safe. I'm scared. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ I'm officially old enough to be conscripted today. Part of me wants to volunteer, to help my country, but I'm scared, and mum keeps looking at me with this desperate look like I'm the only reason she carries on. _

_ Please keep my dad safe. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Why did you let him get killed? Why did you take him without even letting me say goodbye? I loved him so much and you took him. I want him back. I can't believe you took him and he's gone. _

_ Please don't let my papers come today. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Please don't let my papers come today. _

_ Please don't let my papers come today. _

_ Please don't let my papers come today. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Mum has hardly stopped crying since dad went. She keeps baking things. Kneading bread and crying and rolling biscuits and crying. I get back from Lady Anstruther's for a visit and she's sleeping or knitting or doing the laundry, and her face is wet with it. I can't help her. I find myself lingering at the Abbey on my half-day, even though it often means being given more jobs, and I talk to Jack the gardener and sometimes when he smiles it feels like everything's going to be alright, like one day mum will stop crying and maybe I'll know what to say to make it better. _

_ All I can do is give myself to this war and stop it happening to someone else. _

_ I think I'm going to volunteer. _

_ Please watch over me. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ When I told Jack I was going to volunteer, he gave this really sad nod and then this big smile and said he knew I would because I was noble, or something. Then we hugged for the longest time and he smelled of straw and mud and I think he kissed my cheek as we let go. _

_ It's probably a good thing I'm leaving. I shouldn't let that sort of thing happen. _

_ Lord, give me the strength to face the journey, and everything else ahead of me. _

_ Amen _

 

Jimmy prayed a lot more in the trenches. It became almost a reflex; a coping mechanism.  _ Lord, please let me live today, _ he would think as he hunched his way along the trench. _ Lord, please let it not rain _ , he would think, glancing up at the sky as he snatched a mouthful of breakfast _. Lord, save me from this grenade, that bomb, this shell, this sniper's bullet. Lord, this stoop in my back feels permanent, please let me straighten up. _

 

_ Lord, Satan is tempting me. These thoughts about the other men... I know I shouldn't be thinking them. Are you testing me? Surely the war is trial enough. Did I do something wrong? Is it because I was glad Terry died instead of me? Or are we just all too long without women? I know I shouldn't have fucked Lady A without being married, maybe that's what this is. It's been a while since her. _

_ Please don't let me die today. _

_ Amen _

 

And, one day at a time, he outlived the war.

His mother did not.

By the time Jimmy arrived home, she was gone. He prayed for her, and for his dad, and then for himself. Work became his distraction from everything that had happened. Leaving the Abbey meant increased risk of seeing someone he had served with from the village, someone scarred or missing a limb, someone as damaged inside as he was; so he didn't leave the house. Since there was scant opportunity for it as a servant anyway, nobody really noticed. He went to the gardens occasionally, and ate sweets in the potting shed or hid in the arboretum. Jack was the head gardener now; he had volunteered a few months after Jimmy, and was the only one of the gardening team who had returned - and even he limped heavily as he pushed a wheelbarrow along.

And yet his smile had not changed.

It made Jimmy want to punch him, sometimes. He had made it all the way through the war without succumbing to Satan; couldn't Jack just leave him alone?

But he didn't stop going to the garden.

One day, Jack found him kneeling by a bench in the Rose Garden with his elbows resting on the seat. Jimmy had his eyes closed, but heard the clunk of secateurs being set down and then felt Jack's coat being draped over his shoulders. A rustle as Jack seemed to kneel next to him.

"What are we praying for?"

Jimmy turned to look at him for a long moment, his hands still clasped, the weight of Jack's coat heavy on his back. He shrugged one shoulder and looked away again.

"Bit cold for that sort of thing."

_ Dear Lord, please take me away from this. _

Jimmy put his hands down and turned to sit on the bench to show that he had finished praying. Jack joined him, more slowly, and grimacing briefly.

"Are you going to go to France with her?" Jimmy asked. He hadn't yet decided, himself.

"Yes," Jack said. "There isn't much to keep me here. And you?"

The clouds seemed to part for a moment; Jimmy knew what he should do. "No. I think I'll stay here. Get a fresh start somewhere." He stood up and gave back Jack's coat.

Jack took it, and nodded sadly.

* * *

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ Haven't I been punished enough? I resisted again. Haven't I shown you I'm a normal man? I don't want these disgusting thoughts. Why did you let me go to this new place where I would meet him? Why does he have to look at me like that? Lord, please stop this new under-butler looking at me like he does. _

_ Amen _

 

_ Dear Lord, _

_ After a year of me telling him in no uncertain terms that I'm not interested, he goes and gets himself beaten up for me. _

_ I know he's wrong, Lord, but I think he might be a good man, too. Can you be both? I said we could be friends, anyway. Was that wrong? He got so hurt for me. It didn't seem right to keep letting myself treat him how I was. I hope you understand. _

_ Amen _

 

Jimmy and Thomas had been friends for at least a year on the day Jimmy stopped by Thomas's room to chat for a few minutes before he went to bed. He had opened the door and entered without waiting for an answer to his knock. "Hello," he said. "Just wanted to say goodnight."

Thomas was sitting on his wooden desk chair, a book in his hands, but sideways-on to the desk with one elbow resting on the surface. "Er - goodnight then," he answered. He still often seemed surprised whenever Jimmy initiated anything. Thomas raised an eyebrow and set down the book as Jimmy went to perch on the very edge of his bed.

Thomas had already stripped down to his undershirt and longjohns, though his posture was as flawless as ever. Jimmy could see the outline of his cock beneath the fabric. He found himself trying to steal glances without Thomas noticing; it wasn't every day you saw another man's parts, and he sort of wanted to compare. Jimmy licked his lips unconsciously and swallowed. "Um."

Jimmy's chest felt oddly constricted, so he took a deep breath and tilted his head back to let it out in a long sigh. It actually helped a bit, so he took another deep breath and sigh with his chin still lifted. When he looked back, he saw that Thomas's cock was hardening slightly.

_ Fuck. What is he thinking about? What did I make him think about doing to me? _

Thomas's cheeks went a little pink, and he stood up with pretend casualness, picking up the dressing gown that had been draped over the back of the chair. But before Thomas had even slipped one arm into the sleeve, Jimmy shot up off the bed and practically ran from Thomas's bedroom.

"Goodnight then!"

He didn't dare look back.

_ Lord, please stop me having these thoughts. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He crashed his lips against Thomas's, closing his eyes so he couldn't see the sin he was making...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, alright, here's the sequel I never intended -.- I hope you like it!

Another day, another bedtime visit. Jimmy had made something of a habit of them in the past few weeks. He told himself that it was just to make sure that the last face he saw was a friendly one, even though he knew he was lying. It had only taken a couple of visits for Thomas to catch on, and now when Jimmy knocked on the door, Thomas was always wearing trousers or a dressing gown over his underwear - or pyjamas. Jimmy never had quite figured out whether that was more for Thomas's comfort, or his own.

Today when Jimmy entered the bedroom, Thomas was in his dressing gown, sitting by his desk with a book again. His white longjohns showed beneath the hem of the robe, putting Jimmy in mind of the night when he had had a suggestion of what was underneath them, in a way that made his stomach twist uncomfortably.

This time, Thomas smiled at Jimmy as he sat on the bed. He had already put the book down and clasped his hands in his lap. "Good evening."

"Hello," Jimmy said simply. He examined the way Thomas's face had changed in the low light; the way the shadows made his eyelashes look a mile long. His stomach twisted again, but this time it seemed far less uncomfortable.

 _Lord_ , he began, reflexively, but he had nowhere to go with it.

It suddenly registered that the way Thomas was looking away from him, out of the window, meant he was uneasy. His smooth cheek was pale, the lower portion partially hidden by sharp stubble. Jimmy found himself on his feet, approaching Thomas, reaching out one hand to turn his cheek towards himself so that he could look down into Thomas's face again. His eyes were unfathomable. And there once again was the tug in Jimmy's stomach.

 _No one would know,_ Jimmy thought. _No one but me and Thomas and God._

He licked his lips and saw Thomas's eyes drawn to the movement.

_Lord, I've been good for so long but please - I need - please forgive me -_

And he crashed his lips against Thomas's, closing his eyes so he couldn't see the sin he was making, letting out a helpless moan as their tongues brushed against each other. His thumb caught on the nascent beard by Thomas's ear, before his hand stole into the back of Thomas's hair.

"Touch me," he whispered harshly, trying not to sound desperate despite the fact that he could barely keep his mouth off Thomas's for long enough to get the two words out.

He felt Thomas's right hand settle in the middle of his chest, felt the press of his pyjama buttons against his ribs. The hand stroked slowly downwards, the fingertips in line with his bellybutton before Thomas withdrew it. The hand returned to his chest, sliding to the side this time, and Thomas's thumb circled his nipple.

Jimmy moaned again and pressed into the contact and he needed - he needed so much - he gripped Thomas's hand and pushed it against his already-hardening cock. He gasped as Thomas began to rub him, breaking their kiss and instead pressing their foreheads together.

This was _so_ good - so good and yet so wrong. So, so wrong. He shouldn't be doing this, no one should do something like this.

The years of resistance that Jimmy was throwing away overwhelmed him, and he jerked backwards, holding up his hands to keep Thomas at bay. He was panting erratically - so was Thomas.

"We can't," he said roughly, screwing up his eyes to avoid the wide-open, vulnerable look in Thomas's.  "We can't, it's wrong - it's disgusting, it's bad and evil and wrong -"

"Jimmy!" said Thomas, so sharply that Jimmy was startled out of his panic. When Thomas spoke again, his voice was so cold that the temperature of the whole room seemed to drop by several degrees. "If you are worried about what people will think, I will comfort you. If you are worried about the law, I will protect you. If you need time, I will wait for you. If you are worried about God, I will happily talk for hours with you about being a good Christian like this." He paused a moment, clenching his jaw, and Jimmy shivered. "But I will not allow you to come into my bedroom and tell me that the way I love is a sin."

Jimmy was frozen. He wasn't sure he had ever seen Thomas angry with him before, and it terrified him, and that fear brought along on its heels the fear of what that feeling meant - the knowledge of just how important Thomas and his good opinion were to Jimmy.

Into Jimmy's helpless silence, Thomas shook his head, as though Jimmy had failed a test, and said quietly: "Get out."

Blinking dazedly, Jimmy stammered: "I - but -"

"Go." Thomas's face was an impassive mask.

Jimmy folded his arms. "No."

For a second, he thought he had won, but then Thomas leapt up off his chair - for a moment he was _so close -_ and stalked out of the room, leaving Jimmy shaking and confused in the lamplight. He thought his heart might wither in his chest without following Thomas - and yet - he was so _afraid._ Thomas had never looked at him with such cold fury, not ever, and Jimmy was scared of his anger, was scared of not being forgiven, was scared of what he himself still, despite his words, wanted to do.

In the end, he went back to his bedroom, and went to sleep.

-

The next morning, Jimmy descended the stairs early with some trepidation. He had woken from a night of anxious dreams to a vague, nauseated feeling. He wanted to see Thomas, and he wanted not to see Thomas, and he wanted to go back to the day before and not make that bedtime visit at all.

Upon entering the servants' hall, Jimmy was surprised to see a figure in Thomas's rocking chair. It was, in fact, Thomas himself, still in his underclothes and dressing gown. The fire behind him was lit, which meant the maids had been in to light it and yet he still hadn't woken. For a moment, Jimmy saw a flash of Thomas as an old man - still at Downton in his rocking chair, old and lonely and alone. The thought of Thomas so unhappy for so long horrified him.

Jimmy tiptoed towards him and laid one hand on his shoulder. "Thomas? Hey. Thomas..."

Thomas stirred, blinking a few times, and Jimmy stepped back quickly while Thomas woke up. After a few seconds, he said quietly: "Jimmy..."

"I'm sorry." Jimmy hoped his remorse showed in his eyes.

Thomas looked back at him steadily. "What are you sorry for?"

Seeing his solemn expression, Jimmy realised that this was what Thomas had wanted the night before, what Jimmy had failed to give him: an apology. Wanting to do the thing properly, Jimmy swung a chair around from the table to face Thomas. "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry that I called you disgusting - I really don't think that you are. I think you're a good man - no, really," he added, at Thomas's small snort of derision. "Maybe not in the way most people think. I just got frustrated, angry with myself, because I've been resisting these thoughts for so long and then I nearly threw it all away..."

Thomas gave a small, sad smile. "That's the difference between us," he said quietly. "I don't see 'these thoughts' as something to be resisted." He hesitated, searching Jimmy's face for something. Whatever he saw there, he seemed reassured to continue, leaning forwards in his earnestness. "I think they're natural; they're a part of me. We are all made by God in the end, and God doesn't make mistakes. Love -" He faltered, his eyes flicking to the open door of the servants' hall, and lowered his voice again as he continued. "Love is holy, no matter what its form."

Jimmy knew he was staring, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. When Thomas explained it like that, Jimmy almost believed him - at least as far as it applied to Thomas himself. Jimmy had spent too long hating his urges not to feel ashamed of the way his heart seemed to jump as Thomas stood.

"I need to get ready, before Mr Carson finds me down here like this." And he turned and left Jimmy in his confusion, fighting to reconcile Thomas's ease with his desires with the sick, shameful feeling Jimmy got whenever one of _those_ sorts of thoughts entered his mind. He sat facing the empty rocking chair, lost in thought, for a good long while, until it suddenly occurred to him that although he had said sorry for hurting Thomas, he had never actually apologised for kissing him in the first place.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This had some consent problems as I first envisaged it, though I seem to have written most of them out as I went along. We're inside Jimmy's head and he's definitely up for it all but maybe just be careful if you're sensitive to issues of consent as I can't quite tell any more if this still reads as dubcon or not xD
> 
> ETA: all the commenters tell me they don't see any consent issues, so you're probably safe!

Jimmy eventually found him in the walled garden. There was a small wooden structure tucked against the corner where two walls met, barely more than a bench with a roof but a welcome shelter from the fine drizzle which had been falling ever since they had all left for church that morning. It was on the walk home that Jimmy had thought of sharing a cigarette with Thomas in the half-hour or so they had to change into their livery before they were needed for lunch, and because he had thought of it, it had to happen. He had therefore been disgruntled to realise that Thomas had slipped away from the group before they all made it back to the house. He might not have spotted Thomas at all if it had not been for the white smoke drifting lazily from beneath the slate roof.

"Hello," he said, a little nervously, as he joined Thomas.

"Hello." Thomas had been cool with him ever since Jimmy had kissed him.

Jimmy watched his face now, his lips, the way he blinked. He thought of something else between Thomas's lips. Shaking himself, he opened his mouth to ask for a cigarette and found himself saying: "Do you forgive me?"

There was more kindness in the look Thomas gave him then than Jimmy had seen from anyone in a long while. "Yes. It's... not easy."

From his tone, Jimmy wasn't sure if he meant that forgiving Jimmy was not easy, or that dealing with - certain attractions - wasn't easy. Jimmy had done a lot of thinking since their kiss. He had been comfortable in thinking of his urges as something inflicted on him, something that he was destined to struggle with, but ultimately overcome. The way Thomas described it made it sound less like something that happened to you, and more like something you  _ were _ . The concept was both terrifying and liberating. And perhaps Jimmy was simply being led further down Satan's path - but it was starting to feel more true, too.

Jimmy sat fretfully on the edge of the slatted wooden bench, his hands folded over the front and his elbows locked to push his shoulders around his ears. He frowned at the two slabbed paths leading away from their hideaway at right angles. Thomas turned to sort-of face him; he seemed to be watching Jimmy.

"Would you still have me if... if I wanted you too?" Jimmy asked quietly, without looking up.

A pause, as though Thomas was giving the question serious thought. Or perhaps he was simply deciding how truthful to be. Then he said plainly: "Yes."

"Only  _ if _ ," Jimmy added quickly. "I'm not saying I do."

Thomas took the last drag of his cigarette and pitched it out onto the paving before saying distinctly: "I should just tie you down and fuck you until you had to admit you like it."

Jimmy's breath caught in his chest; he felt his eyes widen as blood rushed to his cock. The sudden crudeness had his heart racing as he looked up at Thomas's intent, unreadable expression. "Might not be the worst plan," he said, his voice shaking, which was the closest he could come to confessing that, oh, he wanted that so much he could barely  _ breathe. _

Thomas took a step closer to him, and nudged his face up with a finger under his chin. Gazing down at Jimmy with blazing grey eyes, Thomas began to undo Jimmy's tie. Once it was open, he lifted Jimmy's collar to extract it carefully, and tears threatened in Jimmy's eyes as he felt an overwhelming rush of fondness for Thomas's fastidious habits.

Distracted by swallowing down this wave of emotion, he barely noticed what Thomas was doing until the tie pulled against his wrist. He took a quick breath and looked down to see that Thomas had looped the fabric around Jimmy and the outermost plank of wood on the bench. It was loose to avoid ruining the weave, more a suggestion than a restraint, but Jimmy's blood pulsed in his cock.

He had tied Jimmy's left hand, because Jimmy was left-handed. Thomas knew him enough to know this, and loved him enough to remember it. Jimmy leaned forwards to nose against Thomas's crotch and was rewarded with a small noise from the back of Thomas's throat. Thomas wasn't hard, but Jimmy had the feeling that it wouldn't take much to get him there.

Jimmy found himself being pushed away.

"Not now," Thomas said. He untied Jimmy swiftly. "Put this back on. Come to my room tonight, if you want."

Nodding wordlessly, Jimmy watched Thomas walk away from him for the third time in three days, until he was out of sight.

\--

Of course he went to Thomas that night. There were an awkward few seconds while Jimmy wondered if he should say something - try to explain, though he had no idea what he might say - until Thomas said: "Strip down to your underwear and get on the bed," in a commanding tone, and Jimmy decided that he was going to do exactly what he was told this evening. And so he took off his clothes, seeing that Thomas had already done the same, and lay back on Thomas's bed.

As Thomas turned from the drawer he had been standing in front of, Jimmy saw a few pieces of various rope in his hand. Thomas had  _ prepared _ for this. While Jimmy had been going about his duties that afternoon, consumed by thoughts of him, Thomas had been collecting what looked like a twisted piece of rope usually used as a bell pull, two ties from dressing gowns - blue and green - and a brown necktie which Jimmy knew Thomas had never liked.

_ Four _ , Jimmy thought.  _ He's going to tie my legs too. _

"Put your arms above your head."

Jimmy did so obediently, and Thomas tied his wrists to each bedpost, running a finger under the restraint to check it wasn't too tight.

"Good?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," Jimmy whispered, and Thomas reared down for a deep, slow, sloppy kiss.

"Now you're mine," he growled. "And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do to stop me, unless you say 'London'." He kissed Jimmy a moment longer, making him whimper, before pulling away and adding seriously: "Do you understand me?"

"Thomas," Jimmy moaned, trying to arch up to him, but he couldn't move properly, the ties pulled tightly against his wrists.

Thomas tapped his face lightly. "Say it, boy."

"You stop if I say London," Jimmy slurred quickly.

"Good," Thomas said with a small smile. "Now lift your hips, come on."

Jimmy did so, eagerly, for Thomas to pull his longjohns right off over his feet.

"Time for you to be completely at my mercy." Thomas took the two dressing gown ties and looped one around each of Jimmy's ankles, fastening them to each leg of the bed.

Jimmy was spread out, helpless, his prick standing erect in the middle of him. He squirmed under Thomas's gaze, feeling faintly, yet somehow  _ pleasantly _ , humiliated. He knew his nipples would be hard as Thomas pushed up his undershirt to reveal them, licking his lips before bending down to mouth at Jimmy's chest. Jimmy could do nothing but writhe underneath him as Thomas took his time, moving loose lips over Jimmy's ribs. The restraints on Jimmy's wrists dug in as Jimmy strained, wanting to push Thomas towards his nipples but completely unable to.

At last, Thomas flicked his tongue against Jimmy's nipple, and a long groan escaped Jimmy.

"You like that?" asked Thomas, his voice rough. He was smirking, seeming to delight in Jimmy's helpless pleasure. "Knew you would, when I got you here. After all your resistance, all you tried to get away..." He glanced at the drips of pre-come leaking from Jimmy's cock. "You're secretly just a  _ slut _ , aren't you?" Jimmy's hips jerked at the word, and Thomas's eyes seemed to darken. He reached out and dragged his hand lazily up and down Jimmy's prick, his eyes on Jimmy's face. "Aren't you, slut?"

"Yes, sir," Jimmy breathed, closing his eyes at the incredible feeling of Thomas's beautiful fingers wrapped around him. He could lose himself in this forever, he thought desperately, Thomas's hand working on him, his fingers swirling around the tip. He could hear himself making small, eager noises, didn't know how to stop.

All too soon, Thomas let go of him. When Jimmy opened his eyes to see what would happen next, he saw Thomas stripping off his undershirt to reveal his flat, hairy chest.  _ This ain't no woman, _ he thought, his fingers curling with the desire to touch.

And then the trousers were coming down too, and there was Thomas's cock, pink and thick and standing erect. Jimmy barely had time to take in the sight before Thomas was climbing onto the bed with him, his knees by Jimmy's shoulders, the tip of his prick almost brushing his lips. Instinctively, Jimmy stuck out his tongue and licked the head experimentally.

"You're a natural."

Jimmy looked up at Thomas; he seemed so much taller in that moment, so much more powerful than Jimmy. Thomas had all the control.

"You want it?" Thomas said, brushing Jimmy's bottom lip down with his thumb, and Jimmy nodded.

Thomas's eyes were flickering around the top of the bed as though he was thinking; a moment later he said quickly: "Knock on the headboard to stop. And keep your teeth out of the way," and before Jimmy could say a word he had leaned his hands against the top of the bed and pushed into Jimmy's mouth.

Thomas was mostly gentle; knowing that Jimmy hadn't done this before, he thrust only shallowly, except for when he got carried away and pushed deep enough to make Jimmy gag. Jimmy was so worked up by then that even the gagging felt erotic.

_ I'm yours - take me - only for you - _

There was spit and pre-come leaking from his mouth, salty-sweet, there were the moans Thomas was making above him, and there was nothing else in Jimmy's universe but the slide of Thomas's cock between his lips. Jimmy wondered if Thomas was going to come in his mouth. Did he want that? He wasn't sure.

Thomas pulled out of him before Jimmy could decide and hovered above him, shaking slightly and breathing deeply. Jimmy realised that he was very close to the edge. He licked the head of Thomas's cock again, making him jerk away as if he had been burned and let out a breathy moan. Thomas shifted backwards until he was on hands and knees above Jimmy.

"Cheeky," Thomas said.

Jimmy smirked up at him. He couldn't remember ever making so much eye contact with Thomas as he was now, and the feeling was electric. Dimly, he realised that making eye contact with Thomas had felt electric for a long time, which was exactly why Jimmy had shied away from it, especially in that year when they had not been friends. He was sorry to have denied himself the opportunity to see the eyes of someone who looked at him with such feeling.

Finally, Thomas spoke again: "Now I'm going to put my mouth on your cock, and my fingers in your arse, and then I'm going to fuck you, okay?"

Hearing such explicit ideas in Thomas's rough, matter of fact tone was hotter than Jimmy could have imagined, if he had ever allowed himself to imagine such a thing. He wanted to keep hearing it, again and again and again.

At Jimmy's eager, speechless nod, Thomas just gazed at him with wonder on his face.

"What?" Jimmy asked.

"Just - you, want me." Thomas's left hand cupped Jimmy's cheek, the scar in his palm coarse against Jimmy's skin. Thomas brushed his thumb over Jimmy's cheekbone.

"Yes," Jimmy agreed, and with the memory of Thomas's cock on his tongue, he said the scariest, the bravest four words that had ever crossed his lips: "I do want you."

Thomas's face broke into a wide grin. He started leaning down as if for a kiss, letting Jimmy strain up to try to meet him, but diverted to whisper in his ear at the last second. "I'm going to make you come so hard."

Groaning, Jimmy pulled against his bonds, the tension on his wrists only making him harder.

"Careful, or you'll hurt yourself," said Thomas, crawling to the end of the bed and snagging a jar of some clear substance from the floor as he did, which he left between Jimmy's legs. "And there's no getting away." He untied Jimmy's ankles in two swift pulls. Jimmy almost asked why, but then Thomas forcefully pushed Jimmy's knees up and open, and as Jimmy felt his pelvis naturally tilt with the motion, he realised that it was to get him into a better position.

_ A better position to get fucked, _ he thought with intentional crassness, and his cock twitched. Even the slight soreness of his hips from their enforced openness felt good.

Settling down between Jimmy's legs, Thomas licked Jimmy's cock with a flat tongue right from balls to tip, making Jimmy shudder. He wanted to watch as Thomas teased at him with his mouth, but he couldn't keep his head lifted without his arms for support. Instead, he buried his face in his bicep and concentrated on the feelings, on Thomas's lips sliding down him sideways-on, on Thomas's hand curved gently around the back of his thigh.

After several minutes of this, Thomas slipped Jimmy's cock completely into his mouth, taking him deeper than Jimmy would have thought possible and in the same moment he slipped a finger into Jimmy's arse. He began to move both his mouth and his finger in time. The substance in the jar had clearly been a lubricant of some sort, because Thomas's finger was slick and slipped into him with ease.

It didn't feel good immediately. In fact, one finger inside him barely felt like anything at all, and Jimmy began to worry that he just wasn't going to like it and Thomas would be disappointed in him. At least Thomas's mouth felt good.

But then there was the second finger, which was more of a stretch, and Jimmy felt his breath shudder as Thomas pressed inside him.

"Fuck," he whispered.

"Good?"

" _ Aahh -  _ yes. Fuck..."

Thomas's fingers curled inside him and Jimmy's hips jumped at the shock of pleasure. He began to rock them in time with Thomas's attentions, taking him deeper, and being taken deeper at the same time. The wet noises from Thomas's mouth made Jimmy groan.

"Ohh,  _ please _ ," he muttered. "Take me properly, I want it, please..."

Thomas came off his cock with a slight pop. "I want to be careful -" he said, his voice breathless and ruined by arousal. "It can hurt the first time if you're not careful - I only want to make you feel good -"

Jimmy moaned as a third finger was pressed inside him. "I don't care, I want it, I don't - ah!" He broke off as Thomas sucked him again, the pleasure too intense to speak.

When the fingers were removed, he knew what was coming.  _ London _ , he caressed the word in his mind. He wasn't thinking of using it, just wanted its reassurance and comfort.  _ He'll stop if I want him to. And I  _ **_really_ ** _ don't want him to. _

Jimmy raised his head briefly to watch Thomas applying lubricant to his prick. Jimmy wanted to touch it. He wanted to take Thomas in hand and stroke him until he was desperate, and then guide him inside Jimmy's own body. Yet he had surrendered control, so it was Thomas who guided himself into Jimmy's body. Both of them gasped. Jimmy sought out Thomas's gaze and found him slack-jawed and heavy-lidded with arousal.

"Oh fuck," Jimmy groaned, again and again as they thrust together. Thomas was stretching and filling him in a way Jimmy had always told himself he didn't want - and yet here he was, and it was beautiful.

Thomas's smooth thrusts slowed and took on a staccato rhythm. "Ah - ah -" he gasped, and Jimmy felt a wetness spilling out of him while Thomas screwed up his face and curled forwards, towards Jimmy. Jimmy ached to touch him, to pull their mouths together for a kiss, to touch himself just that little bit extra that he needed. He could tell that he was right on the edge.

After a few seconds, Thomas slipped out of him. He wrapped a hand around Jimmy and pumped him quickly, angling Jimmy's cock upwards so that he would come on his own chest. This vulgar thought itself propelled Jimmy into his orgasm. His stomach, or what seemed his whole insides, tightened and clenched. He came long and hard as Thomas stroked him, spilling over Thomas's hand and indeed his own chest.

He seemed to be halfway floating as he felt Thomas leave the bed, and a moment later a damp cloth cleaning him up. It was slightly warm, which meant Thomas had gone to the trouble of setting up a bowl of hot water in preparation. He thought of everything; he would do anything to make Jimmy happy or more comfortable.

"That was... That was incredible, really," Thomas rumbled as he wiped.

The second Thomas untied his wrists, Jimmy surged upwards to hold his face and kissed him tenderly.

"How are you feeling?" Thomas asked, taking Jimmy's hands from his face and massaging his wrists. "I didn't hurt you?"

Jimmy shifted to hold Thomas's hand and tugged. "Get in, I'm tired of looking up at you."

Thomas did so, grasping the blanket from the end of the bed and pulling it up over them both. Jimmy had to move towards the wall to make room. They lay on their sides, facing each other. Thomas had pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms, while Jimmy was still wearing only his undershirt, too sleepy to think of putting anything else on.

"Are you alright?" Thomas asked again, his upper hand caressing Jimmy's waist under his top.

Jimmy considered the question. What they had just done, he would not long ago have called a sin, and yet at no point had the experience felt seedy or wrong. If anything, it had felt more right than what he had done with Lady Anstruther. He certainly felt more of a connection to Thomas than he ever had to his old employer. And it couldn't possibly hurt anyone else; nobody even knew. Jimmy felt lighter than he had in years, as though he was a balloon which had been tied tightly to the ground for all his life, and now the strings had been cut and he was flying free.

"I'm not sure about the state of my immortal soul; I'll leave that for God to judge. But -" He smiled into Thomas's eyes. "Yeah. I'm pretty good. More than that." Curling into himself, Jimmy pressed his forehead against Thomas's collarbone and closed his eyes as they embraced each other. He wished he could be a cat, and curl up in the warmth of Thomas's heart. They each fidgeted for a time, trying to get comfortable without losing circulation in any of their limbs.

As Jimmy felt the first waves of drowsiness break over him, he said softly: "Don't walk away from me this time, alright?"

Thomas squeezed him briefly and kissed the top of his head. "I won't if you don't."

Jimmy smiled sleepily against Thomas's skin. "Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's my birthday tomorrow, and I would love to wake up to some nice comments on this fic :) lemme know if this is hot bc I've looked at it so long I'm not even sure any more!


End file.
